From Love yesterdays post
personality
I am abrupt, have a propensity to be nasty if I am hurt. I am venerable, but confident. I am strong minded, stubborn, and determined. I am loving, kind, and generous, I smoke, and cuss,I am dependant, and independent. I have the wisdom to keep on going when all else fails. Sometimes I do not try hard enough. I am scared and on edge for reasons I have not begun to understand. I feel helpless and unable to help myself because I do not know what I am scare of. I do not know what keeps me going, I do not know where I am going. I feel I have let my children down, by my choices. The pressure on me to change this and have not let it guide me. My mother and father stayed together through it all. I feel there is a reason for enduring this for all. I am unclear of what it is. I love to talk and giggle. I love to be silly, and sincere. I can carry myself with grace and dignity when I have to. I am very nosey. I hate not knowing....
background,
I have struggled with father issues. The manic depression, and health had huge consequences for me. I was a rotten teenager and took advantage of my parents and family. I left in more ways than one. I would get out as much as possible. I made very poor choices at the time without giving a thought to the consequences of my actions, and who it would hurt. I depended on my parents to much. I was 27 by the time my financial dependency was severed. It left me with a constant sensation of impending doom. I do not know why I struggle with this. My fathers death was the worst pain I have felt in my life time. I can not imagine what it will happen when my mother...I can not even . I was not as close to my father as I feel with my mother. Emotionally depend on her. She is my rock. I feel safe with her. She knows exactly what to say to make me feel better, she tells me when I am wrong and makes me think about my errors. I am doing that with my kids. I am trying to show them how to be happy does not mean depending on others for it. After my mom I depended on my husband for my happiness. I will never forget sobbing on the floor for hours uncontrollable, so hurt by him not understanding how he could hurt me so badly. It was in my early 30's.
appearance-
I am about my nose of all things. I am insecure of my thighs, hips, and stomach. I have always even while bigger have lots of comments, interest, and looks by men and women. I know that I can not waste time feeling insecure about my physical flaws and know that my husband likes me the way I am and that men in general do not view me the way I think they do. That was a huge burden I used to carry. My husband taught me that. I was almost ready to pop with my son on an anniversary and was wearing what I called jokingly my tent dress at a restaurant where the bathroom was in the bar. I noticed crossing through that several men were admiring me. I relayed this to my husband and said I did not understand how they could eye me in my tent dress. He looked at me and said the nicest thing I ever heard. 'honey, all men like to go camping'. As funny as it sounds it was the biggest boost my ego ever had from the man who changed my world.
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